Darker than my soul.

However well I may appear to be doing, there is no denying that my existence is inherently conflicted and flawed. While there have been considerable strides from time to time in both my well being and relevance to others, the fact of the matter is that by far and large, all of us and our actions are mostly inconsequential but some of us are more inconsequential than others. 

My biweekly rant includes how my less than a month old glasses have already decided to give up the ghost and and the greenstick fracture they've developed is not at all greener on the other side. My other sad tale is of when I rushed to fill up the car with petrol and rejoined the roundabout from the wrong side and got fined on the spot for more than five times the amount I was hoping to save.

There are countless other examples, of course. Had I converted all the funds I needed to be saving in time, I would not be lacking the almost a million that I do now. Had I not panicked when the greenback pushed 190, I might have made a better choice later. There are too many had I nots and to an extent  I can rationalize the decisions I made and am for the most part, learning to live with them.

What is still bothering me however is deeper and more visceral than all worldly matters. What bothers me is not of my own doing, I am convinced of that now. I have crossed all the t's and dotted all the i's. I have gone above and beyond, perhaps only to convince myself that it really isn't with me that the fault lies. I laugh now at the naivety of my decisions and those close to me that encouraged them; how could I have been so sure, or even hopeful of there being a lasting connection? I simply wasn't equipped to make those decisions. I fear that I still am very much not. I draw parallels almost everyday and attempt rationalizations and placations by the minute but come nightfall, it is still not enough. I fear that it simply is never going to be. I don't see greener horizons; I see destruction and devastation all around me, regardless of any other colours I might see. 

But then again, maybe this is just a byproduct of my circumstances and all just in my head.