بس تھوڑا تھک سا گیا ہوں

I backspaced the post but not the title. It's a song by Bilal Maqsood and I'm just a fan of the melancholy.

The seat next to the artificial fireplace in the clinic area is prime real estate in winters. My feet are nice and warm now.  

I like the bittersweet sadness at the end of things. Or maybe it's the sleepy state I'm in after staying up all night. 

I like it when people notice things about me. Like when Albus just noticed that I hum La Vie En Rose a lot. I feel like watching A Good Year again. 

Sometimes when I get stuck during a difficult procedure and the patient is freaking out a little, this is my go to humming material. I focus on humming it right to calm myself down. It's all a game of nerves, man.

I like winters but I want our own place to really appreciate them. I feel like my yearning for things has reached it's peak. So many things that I feel right on the cusp of, the verge of, yet they continue to evade, sliding away ever so slightly whenever I get close. 

My sleepy state is making me feel more in tune with myself. I like that my eyes are tired and heavy. When I close them, I can taste the pinkness of my inner eyelids. I just wandered off into surgical approaches to the orbital floor for a moment. I miss dissection. I miss playing surgeon. I like that I'm a little light headed. It's making me feel just the right amount of apathy and numbness. 

I follow a lot of self help and relationship accounts on instagram. One of them was like your partner should never be able to not access your phone. I realized I'd changed my pattern a month ago. It's time to change it back. I need to stop making life difficult for myself. 

I'm craving coziness today. Snuggled up, hot chocolate, warm lighting, a good book or conversation. I'm craving forgetfulness today. I'm craving this reckless abandon mindset of just letting things be. Jo hona hai hojaye ga. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the show. 

I hope I'm not a hazard on the road on the drive back.