Roadworks.

I think it's a little sad that I haven't posted here a lot this year so I'm going to try and do that now. Truth is, life has been so busy. Literally every day here since we immigrated has been attached to a task. Initially it was the settling in. Figuring out the baby steps for setting up our identities here. Finding work. Finding transport. Finding a path. Finding a doctor. Finding a hospital. Finding baby stuff. That was the first two months. Then came our oops baby. Then the full time studying for the exam. Leaving work. Signing up for another degree. Hibernating for the next three months and then recovering from the trauma of the exam. Finding a new work place. Finding our own place. Almost losing our new place. Both of our parents coming over. Juggling really living alone with two kids for the first time in our lives with working all day just to be able to afford rent, with lining everything up for all the next steps. Oh, taxes in April - those were a challenge. Discovering a little bit more of the city after hours. Signing up for the next degree. Signing up for the next exam. Entertaining people. Grown up stuff. 

Sometimes I wish for simpler times. My grandfather's library with the smell of books and incense.  Sitting in his armchair and reading poetry. Walks along the riverside. Sitting in the backseat of a car. I've been behind the steering wheel for too long. 

The next exam is in two months so I've kinda given in my notice again. I have 110 hours of lectures to watch in 10 days before the mock exams start. There's a nice library two streets down but I shifted our bed around to make room for my studying corner. The surgery application is still a work in progress, I'm putting off writing my statement of intent and reaching out for my reference letters. I was on a therapy website yesterday and one of their questions made me realize that I hadn't been journaling so here we are. Have to put down a deposit for the business analytics program but we haven't heard back from A's college yet and I want to apply for the funding together. Classes start Sep 3, as does H's school. Season's changing. Days are shortening. We have to get a couple of nice chairs and some lights for the balcony. 

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I changed the format of how dates are displaced everywhere as it was finally starting to bother me. It's the month first now. The Seneca course is disappointing and A's class schedule is somehow stuck so we have to go to the campus tomorrow to figure it out. The surgery specialty program turned out to be a big disappointment. Turns out all the professors in Pakistan are applying for it so it would likely be my turn never. The guy I was going to get a reference letter from is the most likely person to get it and there's only one spot. The trouble with getting educated in Pakistan is that everybody above you is also in their growing phase so they're not really in a position to help you either. The one's who are done with their career growth are just enjoying making more and more money and have no intention of helping anybody but themselves. True rat race if there ever was one. So now it's back to following the exams pathway and wondering if I was right in taking this massive risk of not applying to dental schools. Guess we'll know in a year or two. 

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We're watching Jack Ryan these days. Hazu's school time is our peaceful time now. I haven't gone to work in 10 days now. I have weekly mocks starting this saturday. Then Seneca classes on monday, tuesday, wednesday. Exam prep on thursday, fridays. Probably work on saturdays, sundays. This will last till the end of November to my exam and then end of term of the course in December. And then begins another year with no light at the end of the tunnel. 

I was watching this guy on instagram going up to people and saying I love how confident you are. How do you it? Mostly everybody said friends, family. A support system. That made me feel very alone. I have no real support system. The argument that you don't really need one either, Allah kafi hai does exist but at times you wonder if Allah is just something our minds came up with for things that we can't yet explain scientifically. Alright, that's enough spiraling for now. Back to trying to survive and studying.